Embracing the Darkness


Maybe it was when my father left? Or maybe it was sometime after that? Hell, it could have possibly happened before. The funny thing with time is the more that it ticks by, the less sure you are about the moment when something within you has changed. I have been trying to pinpoint that pivotal moment where I began seeing life in darker hues and at this time it still eludes me.

The last time I sat down with this, I hinted at a much less glamorous side of my life. One that I think is as beautiful as it is awful. Over the course of this blog, I have been trying to work out if this is a fitting topic to write about and I have come to the conclusion that it is too important of a piece of who I am to not put this out there.

Goodbye Butterfly on the surface started out as an archive that documented my adventures while I spread my wings outside of my island home, and it has since transformed into a virtual journal where I share bits of myself. I have been working on loving the skin I am in and embracing that I am the heaviest I have ever been, and with that comes a change in perspective. While I am still learning to be comfortable with being vulnerable, there is a part of me that feels compelled to share this with you butterflies.

Before turning to writing as my main form of expression, I dabbled in art. From drawing to photography there is a feeling that I have been desperately trying to capture in the hopes that I can finally lock it away. I first saw her as a broken girl in the corner of an empty room, and then all at once she was consumed by the shadows.

Like the night sky on a moonless night, that silent darkness glittered with pure and sweet happiness. Some moments have even become so clustered together they create the brightest of galaxy.

I have depression but it doesn’t have me.

Since October 2018, there have been more days than I care for where I have been waking up feeling heavy. And while there is a weight that bears down on my shoulders as well as my heart, I have been feeling empty just the same. I have been going through an incredibly rough patch and I think a large part of it was that I felt that I was “cured”. It has been years since I have had to cope with this part of me and I almost, just almost, forgot what this felt like.

I am in another winter of my life clinging to the thought of the warm sunshine of summer.

I may not be able to help how I feel but there are things that I can work on to help cope with this season. So what am I doing to embrace my darkness?

This, for one.

Contrary to the popular belief, talking about how I feel has never been something that I enjoyed doing. Sharing my experiences in life comes naturally to my social soul. But what has been an uphill battle for me is talking about the feelings that come attached to those memories. Burying this part of me has become so easy over the years, so much so that I realized that I isolated myself in my darkness and now I feel like a fraud. Both online and in person I developed this sunny personality that gave the impression that I am whole when the ugly truth is that I am in too many pieces of good and bad.

So I am making a written promise that I will share this side of me that I wouldn’t normally opt to more often with both the intention of expression and acceptance as well as information. Here is a peek at life lately:

I am nearly always on the brink of tears and getting out of bed is my biggest obstacle of the day. All my passions have been less than interesting to me and I feel anxious thinking of how much I miss creating all day but I can’t work up the inspiration to give my whole self to a project. I am so in love with my life but unfulfilled and unsatisfied at the same time. I constantly feel like a burden and I overthink all the actions of my loved ones looking for signs that that feeling is validated.

Focusing on holistic healing.

From fueling up with nutritious ingredients to moving my body, I have also been putting an emphasis on holistic therapy. Using foods packed with vitamins and other nutrients that support brain chemicals that positively influence mood and other brain functions has helped me in the past, and as I learn more about nutrition I have been making it a point to incorporate more boosting ingredients into my diet. Exercise has also been a known mood booster, so naturally I have been taking advantage of my gym membership. I have set some fitness goals for the summer and it has been a helpful motivation to get out of bed and start my day on a more positive note.

Depression never really goes away but there are ways to manage how it affects your day to day life. As I am sitting in my new outdoor chair and enjoying the cool pre-summer breeze, I feel just slightly lighter and I guess that is the point of this journal entry. And while I am not quite sure how to wrap this piece up, I really am looking forward to warmer days and I hope that this is something that inspires you to embrace the darker parts of yourself because I know that I am not alone in these struggles. Being more open has helped in more ways than one and I want to extend a welcoming hand to join the journey with me.

Here is to feeling the light on our cheeks.

Until next time, tah.